after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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