I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
