@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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