I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
