actually, I'm a sock model
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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