I cannot find my penis.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
