come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
