I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
