I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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