Someone shit on the floor
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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