Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's never too late to be topless.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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