My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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