I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
