you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
