I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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