i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
