Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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