it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did we literally take a cab across the street
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
