I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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