I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
