I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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