dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
