everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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