You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
