woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
please come you make the beer taste better
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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