I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
