oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
