I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
there was a trapeze. enough said
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
