You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
