I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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