I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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