Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
