Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
