dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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