ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
