I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
