I'm sorry my penis didn't work
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
