I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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