guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
