I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
