Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
