How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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