there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
