Dude my mom stole all your condoms
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
