All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
