Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
