can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
