You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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