so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
