Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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