fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
