My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
