fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
