You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
