Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
