I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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