How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
