Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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