wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
