i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
