I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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